When Accountability Is Absent: The Exhaustion of Being Blamed, and the Healing Power of a Genuine Apology

Something happened this morning that stopped me in my tracks and made me think about all the times I’ve been blamed for things I didn’t do, by people who simply couldn’t take responsibility for their actions. While walking my dog, someone behaved unnecessarily rudely toward us, then immediately apologized. A sincere apology. No defensiveness. No minimizing. Just ownership. I was stunned. And then I was stunned that I was stunned. Taking responsibility shouldn’t feel rare, yet, seemingly, it does. At least for me.

Over the past two years, I've experienced distressing interactions with two adult men; one a former neighbour and the other a current one, both of whom I had regarded as friends, but who ultimately acted appallingly towards me. The signs had been there, subtle but definitely there, yet I’d been patient because, you know, none of us are prefect, right? But when things finally escalated, neither of them could offer even a basic apology. Instead, they denied, blamed, and accused me of things they had done. One even dismissed me as crazy simply for setting a boundary. By the way, both of these men have what I would describe as pretty persistent fragile narcissistic traits. I was basically dealing with grown men throwing tantrums - big feelings, zero responsibility, and all the emotional maturity of a five year old.

Being treated like that by people you have known for several years is quite frankly exhausting. When adults refuse to take responsibility and instead project or attack, it stirs deep, old wounds in me. A childhood where blame was common and apologies were almost unheard of. I learned early to swallow what wasn’t mine, to question my own perceptions, and to brace for the fallout of other people’s discomfort. So, when my neighbours twisted the events for their comfort, and punished me for drawing a line, it wasn’t just unpleasant, it reinforced how some people will do anything to avoid looking at themselves, even if it means distorting reality.

And that was the emotional backdrop I carried into this morning’s brief encounter which is why the simple act of someone taking responsibility with a genuine “I’m sorry” hit so hard. It reminded me that accountability can be incredibly healing. It shows you what healthy relationships look like, especially when you’ve lived without them for a long time.

For those of us who grew up around denial and blame, a sincere apology can feel almost shocking and so incredibly unfamiliar, even confusing. It validates your reality. It allows you to relax. When someone takes responsibility for their actions, you don't need to defend yourself or prepare for confrontation. You can just say "thank you" and continue with your day. Indeed, healing from a lifetime of misdirected blame means learning to trust your own perceptions and honour your boundaries. Part of that healing is noticing who is capable of accountability, then choosing to stand closer to those people.

There is something incredibly healing about being with people who can simply say: I’m sorry. I did wrong. I’ll do better. In these moments of accountability, and the sense of safety they bring, deep healing finally becomes possible. After the recent encounters with two grown ass men who acted like five-year-olds, this morning's genuine apology from a stranger felt like more than just an apology. It felt like validation that I am not wrong for expecting decency, that I am not crazy for recognizing harmful behaviour, and that accountability is not too much to hope for. It felt long overdue.

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Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle is a licensed Practitioner Health Psychologist and a Doctor in Behavioural Medicine who specializes in improving the quality of life of people struggling with long-term health problems, chronic pain and trauma. She runs a private online (telehealth) practice at www.ingelathuneboyle.com. You can find out more about her background [here], and more about her approach to therapy [here].

📩 Contact: For therapy or other enquiries, you can contact her at info@ingelathuneboyle.com.

Please note: Advice given in this blog is not meant to take the place of therapy or any other professional advice. The opinions and views offered by the author is not intended to treat or diagnose, nor is it intended to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health provider. The author is not responsible for the outcome or results following their information and advice on this blog.