Setting Boundaries After a Lifetime of Fawning: Necessary for Healing

Over the past two weeks, I have been exploring relational, attachment, and developmental trauma, first by looking at how these forms of trauma can shape both psychological and physical experience (you can find it here), and then by examining how trauma responses rooted in relationship can begin to heal within the safety of a therapeutic relationship (you can find it here). This week, I want to focus more specifically on one common survival response that often emerges from relational trauma: fawning or people-pleasing. Specifically, I will examine the implications of establishing boundaries after a lifetime spent focusing on others' needs to ensure safety, connection, and belonging.

For individuals who have spent their lives over-accommodating, appeasing, and diminishing themselves to maintain peace, establishing boundaries may seem unnatural or even unsafe. This behaviour, known as fawning, is often a trauma response that develops in environments where one's safety relies on pleasing others or avoiding conflict. Gradually, this survival strategy becomes ingrained: agreeing when we wish to decline, tolerating discomfort to avoid disappointing others, and mistaking self-sacrifice for love. However, many eventually realize, particularly in adulthood, that this pattern cannot be sustained. Healing starts when we learn to establish boundaries, especially with friends and those closest to us.

Fawning typically arises as a trauma response from early experiences of fear, instability, or emotional neglect, especially during childhood. When a caregiver is unpredictable, critical, or abusive, a child might learn that the safest way to avoid conflict or gain approval is by appeasing, over-accommodating, or completely suppressing their own needs. This survival strategy, often overlooked compared to fight, flight, or freeze (dissociation), is the nervous system's adaptive effort to maintain connection and safety in threatening relational environments. Over time, fawning can become a habit, leading to persistent people-pleasing and challenges in setting boundaries during adulthood.

Establishing boundaries isn't about being inflexible or detached; it's about embracing honesty. For individuals who have habitually overextended themselves emotionally, always tending to others' emotions and needs, they often disconnect from their own. It might take years to identify their limits, much less express them. This journey can evoke feelings of guilt, fear, and self-doubt. Friends who are used to unlimited access or constant agreement may react poorly when the dynamic changes. Additionally, for those still unlearning the habit of people-pleasing, even slight resistance can seem threatening emotionally.

Although it may cause discomfort, setting boundaries is essential for both psychological and physical healing. Without boundaries, the cycle of emotional exhaustion persists. Although people-pleasing may temporarily alleviate anxiety, it results in silent resentment, heightened stress, deep fatigue, and even flare-ups of chronic pain. It also sends the message, whether intended or not, that your needs are less important or irrelevant. By starting to say no, prioritizing rest, or requesting space, you retrain your nervous system to understand that safety does not require self-abandonment and neglect.

Setting boundaries with friends and those around you can be especially difficult because these relationships often seem less defined than romantic or family ones. There's an implicit belief that true friends are always available or agreeable, but genuine friendship is built on honesty, not overextending oneself. People who genuinely care about you may require some time to adapt, but they will ultimately respect your development. On the other hand, those who don't may distance themselves, and while this can be difficult, it also provides clarity.

Recovering from fawning doesn't mean going to the other extreme and isolating yourself from everyone. It's about learning to stay present with discomfort, respecting your feelings without dismissing them, and tolerating the reactions of others without backpedaling. It's a practice of reminding yourself that you are entitled to your feelings and limits, and you have the right to meet your needs, even if it disappoints others. In the end, boundaries are not a rejection of others; they are a commitment to yourself. They mark the beginning of relationships rooted not in fear or performance, but in mutual respect and emotional truth. After a lifetime of fawning, this shift is not only radical, it's deeply liberating.

If this is something you’ve been affected by, please leave a comment below. If there’s something important you’d like to add, please do so. I'd love to hear from you.

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Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle is a licensed Practitioner Health Psychologist and a Doctor in Behavioural Medicine who specializes in improving the quality of life of people struggling with long-term health problems, chronic pain and trauma. She runs a private online (telehealth) practice at www.ingelathuneboyle.com. You can find out more about her background [here], and more about her approach to therapy [here].

📩 Contact: For therapy or other enquiries, you can contact her at info@ingelathuneboyle.com.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What does a health psychologist do?

A health psychologist helps people cope with the emotional and physical impact of chronic illness, pain, or long-term health challenges. They support emotional adjustment, resilience, and quality of life, including learning to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs, especially if you’ve spent years putting others first.

Can psychology help with chronic illness, pain, or people-pleasing patterns?

Yes. Therapy can reduce stress, improve coping, and ease the emotional burden of chronic conditions. It can also help you recognize how long-term self-neglect or fawning may have affected your health, and guide you in setting healthy boundaries and reclaiming your sense of safety, trust, and self-worth.

Is online therapy effective?

Yes. Online therapy can be just as effective as in-person sessions and is often more accessible for those managing fatigue, pain, mobility limitations, or unpredictable symptoms. It allows you to work on emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and self-care from the comfort of home.

How do I know if therapy is right for me?

If you feel overwhelmed by chronic illness, pain, or long-standing patterns of self-neglect, therapy may help. A health psychologist can guide you in understanding these patterns, developing coping tools, and creating boundaries that protect your well-being—helping you live more safely, confidently, and meaningfully.

Please note: Advice given in this blog is not meant to take the place of therapy or any other professional advice. The opinions and views offered by the author is not intended to treat or diagnose, nor is it intended to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health provider. The author is not responsible for the outcome or results following their information and advice on this blog.