Setting Boundaries After Narcissistic Abuse: A Difficult but Necessary Step Toward Healing

For those who have endured narcissistic abuse (i.e. a pattern of aggressive, manipulative, and controlling behaviors used by someone with narcissistic traits to gain power over another person), the concept of setting boundaries can feel foreign, threatening, or even selfish. In relationships where one’s sense of self has been repeatedly minimized, invalidated, or manipulated, boundaries may have been consistently dismissed or punished. Survivors often emerge from these dynamics disoriented, uncertain where others end and they begin. In this state of confusion and fragmentation, boundaries become not only helpful but crucial for healing.

Boundaries don't necessarily exclude people but provide a structure for rebuilding. Following narcissistic abuse, this reconstruction is more about rediscovering what safety feels like - emotionally, psychologically and physically - rather than shielding oneself from everyone. Nonetheless, establishing boundaries is challenging. For individuals affected by trauma, particularly relational trauma, saying 'No' or voicing discomfort can evoke a strong fear of rejection, conflict, or abandonment. Survivors might be deeply ingrained in prioritizing others' needs above their own, fearing the consequences of standing up for themselves.

This fear is often intensified in friendships and new relationships. When someone has been gaslit, manipulated, or made to feel responsible for the emotional states of others, they may struggle to distinguish between healthy self-advocacy and perceived cruelty. As a result, many people carry guilt or shame for drawing lines, even when doing so is in service of their own well-being. They may tolerate mistreatment, overextend themselves, or fall into familiar patterns of caretaking to avoid feeling selfish or overly demanding.

However, lacking boundaries can lead to the recurrence of past harm. Even relationships with good intentions can become exhausting or retraumatizing without them. Setting clear, compassionate boundaries is not about punishing others; it is a declaration of one’s self-worth. It says, “My needs, limits, and feelings matter, too.” This shift is not only vital for personal growth; it’s also how we learn to discern between safe and unsafe people. The friends and partners who respect our boundaries help reinforce the belief that we deserve mutual care and respect, something narcissistic abuse teaches us to doubt.

Healing requires a conscious and often uncomfortable commitment to new relational patterns. It might mean tolerating an awkward silence after a firm 'No', getting used to the disappointment of others, or grieving the loss of relationships that don’t survive your growth. Each time you set a boundary, regardless of its size, it reaffirms your confidence in your own abilities. It's a step toward a more grounded, authentic self no longer shaped by fear, obligation, or control.

As boundaries become established, the body begins to respond. What once felt threatening or unsafe gradually becomes empowering. The nervous system, previously conditioned to anticipate conflict or collapse, starts to recognize safety not in appeasement but in authenticity. Muscles relax, breathing becomes deeper, and a calm stability replaces chronic hypervigilance. You may even notice that physical symptoms such as pain or gastric problems improve. Over time, the body learns that honouring one’s limits is the foundation of genuine safety and self-trust.

Ultimately, boundaries are an act of love: for oneself, and for the quality of relationships one allows in. They clear space for healthier connections, greater self-respect, and a future no longer dictated by the wounds of the past. While the process is rarely simple or painless, it's deeply transformative, and absolutely necessary.

If this is something you’ve been affected by, please leave a comment below. If there’s something important you’d like to add, please do so. I'd love to hear from you.

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Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle is a licensed Practitioner Health Psychologist and a Doctor in Behavioural Medicine who specializes in improving the quality of life of people struggling with long-term health problems, chronic pain and trauma. She runs a private online (telehealth) practice at www.ingelathuneboyle.com. You can find out more about her background [here], and more about her approach to therapy [here].

📩 Contact: For therapy or other enquiries, you can contact her at info@ingelathuneboyle.com.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

What does a health psychologist do?

A health psychologist helps people cope with chronic illness, pain, or long-term health challenges. They support emotional adjustment, resilience, and quality of life, including learning to set boundaries and prioritize your needs, especially after experiencing abuse or violations of trust.

Can therapy help with chronic illness or self-neglect after abuse?

Yes. Therapy can reduce stress, improve coping, and help you understand how past abuse may have affected your health and ability to protect yourself. It supports setting healthy boundaries, restoring safety, and rebuilding self-trust.

Is online therapy effective?

Yes. Online therapy is as effective as in-person sessions and can be more accessible for those managing fatigue, pain, or mobility challenges. It allows you to work on emotional regulation, boundary-setting, and self-care from a safe, convenient space.

How do I know if therapy is right for me?

If you’re struggling with chronic illness, pain, or the effects of past abuse, therapy may help. A health psychologist can guide you in understanding your experiences, developing coping strategies, and creating boundaries that protect your well-being, helping you live a more safe, confident, and meaning life.

Please note: Advice given in this blog is not meant to take the place of therapy or any other professional advice. The opinions and views offered by the author is not intended to treat or diagnose, nor is it intended to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health provider. The author is not responsible for the outcome or results following their information and advice on this blog.