Grief Shaming: The Pressure to Mourn the 'Right' Way

Grief is an intensely personal, unpredictable, and nonlinear experience. It touches every corner of a person’s life - mental, emotional, physical, spiritual - yet society often treats it as something to be managed quickly, quietly, and within an arbitrary timeframe. When individuals fail to conform to these unspoken rules of "acceptable mourning," they may be met not with empathy, but with judgment, discomfort, or outright criticism - a phenomenon known as grief shaming. This kind of social response not only dismisses the pain of loss but also deepens the bereaved person's isolation, intensifying their suffering and hindering the healing process.

Grief shaming can take many forms, ranging from subtle suggestions that someone should move on to overt critiques about how, when, and for how long they grieve. People may be told they're “too emotional” or “not emotional enough,” or that they're “making it all about themselves.” Widows who date again, parents who publicly express deep mourning years after a child’s death, or individuals grieving a non-traditional loss, such as the death of a pet, or an estranged family member, may all find themselves targets of invalidation ("Why are you still wallowing in all that?"). The underlying message is clear: there is a right and wrong way to grieve, and falling outside of societal expectations invites shame.

At the heart of grief shaming lies discomfort - both individual and collective - with pain, vulnerability, and emotional expression. Modern Western cultures often idealize stoicism, independence, and productivity ("When are you going back to work?"), leaving little room for the chaos and slowness of grief. Expressions of sorrow can feel threatening in environments that prioritize control and performance. As a result, people grieving may feel pressured to hide their suffering to avoid making others uncomfortable, leading to emotional suppression and internalized shame.

This dynamic becomes especially damaging when grief overlaps with challenging circumstances. For example, those grieving stigmatized losses such as deaths by suicide, overdose, or incarceration, often face disenfranchised grief, where their mourning is not socially acknowledged or supported. In such cases, grief shaming doesn’t just silence expression; it delegitimizes the loss itself. Individuals may question their right to grieve or struggle with feelings of guilt, loneliness, and worthlessness, all while navigating immense emotional pain.

Grief shaming around non-death losses in chronic illness is a quiet but deeply painful form of invalidation. When individuals express sorrow over lost abilities, roles, or the life they once knew, they are often met with dismissive comments like “At least it’s not terminal,” or “It could be worse.” This response, though sometimes well-intentioned, minimizes the legitimacy of their grief and implies that their pain is not worthy of mourning. Because the losses are not marked by death, society often fails to recognize them as real. As a result, people with chronic illness may feel ashamed for grieving, question the validity of their emotions, or suppress their pain altogether. This emotional silencing adds an extra layer of suffering to an already difficult journey, reinforcing the isolation that so often accompanies invisible illness.

Grief shaming also thrives in digital spaces, where social media can act as both a lifeline and a problematic space for grief. While some find comfort in sharing memories or updates about their grief journey online, others face accusations of oversharing, attention-seeking, or performative grief. These judgments are often rooted in narrow, outdated beliefs about privacy and mourning, failing to consider how diverse grief experiences truly are. For many, public expression is not about performance, it’s about survival.

Addressing grief shaming calls for a cultural transformation grounded in deep compassion and emotional awareness. We must recognize that grief is not a problem to be fixed but a wound to be tended. There is no universal timeline and no singular appropriate way to grieve. We need to honour each person’s unique mourning process without judgment or comparison. Listening, validating, and simply being present can actually be profoundly healing.

Ultimately, grief shaming is a form of emotional silencing. It reflects society’s discomfort with pain more than any failure on the part of the grieving individual. To honour the reality of loss - and the humanity of those who endure it - we must reject the impulse to judge and instead choose empathy. In doing so, we not only support the grieving but also dismantle a culture that fears its own vulnerability.

If this is something you’ve been affected by, please leave a comment below. If there’s something important you’d like to add, please do so. I'd love to hear from you.

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Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle is a licensed Practitioner Health Psychologist and a Doctor in Behavioural Medicine who specializes in stress and loss, especially in improving the quality of life of people struggling with long-term health problems, chronic pain and (medical) trauma. She runs a private online (telehealth) practice at www.ingelathuneboyle.com.

Please note: Advice given in this blog is not meant to take the place of therapy or any other professional advice. The opinions and views offered by the author is not intended to treat or diagnose, nor is it intended to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health provider. The author is not responsible for the outcome or results following their information and advice on this blog.