Dealing with the Guilt of Setting Boundaries

In recent articles, I examined how different forms of trauma shape psychological and physical experience and how fawning or people-pleasing develops as a survival response, particularly when setting boundaries feels unsafe. In this article, I focus on guilt after setting boundaries; why it is so common for people with relational trauma, and why learning to tolerate this discomfort, rather than undoing boundaries, is an important part of healing.

Setting boundaries is one of the most important acts of self-care, yet for many people it comes with an uncomfortable emotional cost: guilt. This can be especially true for those living with chronic illness, where boundaries are not just preferences but often necessities to manage limited energy, pain, or fluctuating health. Saying no to social invitations, declining work responsibilities, or asking for accommodations can trigger guilt alongside fears of being a burden, disappointing others, or appearing unreliable. Whether related to health, relationships, or work, the decision to protect one’s own limits can stir feelings of selfishness, fear of rejection, or a sense of letting others down. Understanding why this guilt arises and how to move through it is essential for maintaining both healthy relationships and personal well-being.

Why guilt arises

Guilt often stems from deeply ingrained beliefs about what it means to be good. From an early age, many are taught to prioritize the needs of others, to be agreeable, and to avoid conflict. As a result, when we assert our needs, we may feel that we are violating these rules; that we are disappointing others or even harming them. For people-pleasers or those who have grown up in environments where love and approval were conditional, the guilt of setting boundaries can feel particularly intense. In reality, however, setting boundaries is not about pushing people away or punishing them, but about taking responsibility for your own well-being, limits, and values.

Reframing boundaries as care

One way to deal with guilt is to reframe boundaries not as walls, but as bridges. When boundaries are seen as walls, they can feel harsh or rejecting (e.g. “I’m shutting you out”), a framing that often triggers guilt, especially for people who are caring, trauma-exposed, or accustomed to putting others’ needs first. When boundaries are understood as bridges, however, they become a way of protecting the relationship rather than ending it. A bridge allows connection, but in a way that is safe, sustainable, respectful, and honest. Boundaries make it possible to interact with others without resentment or burnout; without them, frustration accumulates, relationships deteriorate, and exhaustion becomes inevitable. Reminding yourself that boundaries protect not only your own energy but also the quality of your relationships can help ease the guilt. When you say no to one thing, you are saying yes to something else; your health, your priorities, or your peace of mind.

Practicing self-compassion

Another essential step is practicing self-compassion. Instead of criticizing yourself for being too harsh or selfish, acknowledge the difficulty of the moment. Setting boundaries is emotionally demanding, especially in a culture that celebrates self-sacrifice. Offering yourself the same kindness you would extend to a friend, such as reminding yourself, “It’s okay to take care of myself” can soften guilt and replace it with self-acceptance. I've written more about how to generate self-compassion [here].

Communicating with clarity and empathy

Sometimes guilt comes from fear of how others will react. You can reduce this by expressing boundaries with clarity and empathy. For example, instead of a blunt “I can’t help you,” you might say, “I’d really like to, but I don’t have the capacity right now.” This communicates care while maintaining your limit. When people understand that your boundary is about addressing your needs rather than rejecting them, any feelings of guilt may gradually diminish. If they perceive it as rejection due to their own issues, there's nothing you can do about it, as it isn't related to you.

Building tolerance for discomfort

Even with reframing and self-compassion, guilt may not vanish overnight. That’s why it’s important to build tolerance for the discomfort of guilt, rather than trying to eliminate it immediately; something that often leads people to set a boundary and then back-pedal to relieve the discomfort. Each time you set and maintain a boundary, you strengthen your ability to live according to your values instead of your fears. Over time, guilt tends to fade, replaced by a sense of empowerment and respect for yourself.

Conclusion

Dealing with the guilt of setting boundaries requires patience, compassion, and a shift in perspective. Boundaries are not selfish, they are a declaration that your needs matter and that you are responsible for your own well-being. By reframing them as acts of care, practicing self-compassion, communicating with empathy, and gradually increasing your tolerance for guilt, you can free yourself from the belief that protecting your limits is wrong. Instead, you can embrace boundaries as the foundation of healthier relationships, greater self-respect, and a more sustainable way of living.

If this is something you’ve been affected by, please leave a comment below. If there’s something important you’d like to add, please do so. I'd love to hear from you.

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Dr. Ingela Thuné-Boyle is a licensed Practitioner Health Psychologist and a Doctor in Behavioural Medicine who specializes in improving the quality of life of people struggling with long-term health problems, chronic pain and trauma. She runs a private online (telehealth) practice at www.ingelathuneboyle.com. You can find out more about her background [here], and more about her approach to therapy [here].

📩 Contact: For therapy or other enquiries, you can contact her at info@ingelathuneboyle.com.

Please note: Advice given in this blog is not meant to take the place of therapy or any other professional advice. The opinions and views offered by the author is not intended to treat or diagnose, nor is it intended to replace the treatment and care that you may be receiving from a licensed physician or mental health provider. The author is not responsible for the outcome or results following their information and advice on this blog.